They say a good man is hard to find, but I’m right here. #Ladies

— Captain Obvious (@CaptainObvious) October 24, 2016

When in Rome, you’re also in Italy.

— Captain Obvious (@CaptainObvious) October 22, 2016

Even during tonight’s #FullMoon, you can only see half of it. pic.twitter.com/XdyHSpFgFZ

— Captain Obvious (@CaptainObvious) October 16, 2016

Dance like no one’s watching. Sing like no one’s listening. But never listen like no one’s around. They’re called headphones. pic.twitter.com/4MUpz2ePmt

— Captain Obvious (@CaptainObvious) October 23, 2016

#KeepTwitterPositiveBy thinking before tweeting.

— Captain Obvious (@CaptainObvious) March 3, 2017

This makes two. #ThingsDoneByMistake #Oscars #MissUniverse

— Captain Obvious (@CaptainObvious) February 27, 2017

Celebrities who don’t go home with an award will still go home to a mansion. #NotSorry #AwardSeason pic.twitter.com/ImGULl9UeC

— Captain Obvious (@CaptainObvious) February 26, 2017

I’m sure I can burn these off by Ash Wednesday. #MardiGras pic.twitter.com/8xBC4jXVqX

— Captain Obvious (@CaptainObvious) February 28, 2017

If you do nothing at home, it's lazy. If you do nothing by the beach, it's a vacation. #ObviousTravel pic.twitter.com/qgFU7vt6EQ

— Captain Obvious (@CaptainObvious) January 27, 2017

One of these is often dirty and smelly. The other is a pig. #Football #PigSkin pic.twitter.com/LqRdIwsRWm

— Captain Obvious (@CaptainObvious) January 22, 2017

Penguins exist. My job here is done. #PenguinAwarenessDay pic.twitter.com/BdWZ6M6MPw

— Captain Obvious (@CaptainObvious) January 20, 2017

If you're all bent out of shape, you're doing yoga correctly. #Yogi

— Captain Obvious (@CaptainObvious) January 19, 2017

#ItsBeenYearsSince we partied like it was 1999.

— Captain Obvious (@CaptainObvious) January 17, 2017

According to my doctor, the way to my heart is not through my stomach.

— Captain Obvious (@CaptainObvious) January 9, 2017

It's a small world after all. #WorldSeries pic.twitter.com/wQMyNjF7y6

— Captain Obvious (@CaptainObvious) October 28, 2016

If it’s hairy, a weird color, or has teeth, you might want to get it checked out. #MoleDay

— Captain Obvious (@CaptainObvious) October 23, 2016

Nobody calls me yellow. Usually, they just call me Captain Obvious. #MartyMcFlyDay

— Captain Obvious (@CaptainObvious) October 21, 2016

I’m Verified on Twitter. Enough Said. #NationalEvaluateYourLifeDay

— Captain Obvious (@CaptainObvious) October 19, 2016

It’s not half-full or half-empty. It’s a glass that needs to be topped off. #NationalRedWineDay pic.twitter.com/s39MnYCQzq

— Captain Obvious (@CaptainObvious) October 15, 2016

Don’t judge a book by its cover. Judge it by its movie trailer. #BooksMadeIntoMovies

— Captain Obvious (@CaptainObvious) October 14, 2016

The best thing since sliced bread is sliced cake. #cakeeater

— Captain Obvious (@CaptainObvious) October 12, 2016

I know all the colors of the rainbow: LGBTQ. #WorldComingOutDay

— Captain Obvious (@CaptainObvious) October 11, 2016

To be fair, there weren’t many gas stations to pull over at in the 15th century. #ColumbusDay pic.twitter.com/u3k4N7TQ44

— Captain Obvious (@CaptainObvious) October 10, 2016

To see eye to eye, someone has to step down off their soapbox. #Politics

— Captain Obvious (@CaptainObvious) October 10, 2016

It’s best to get right to the point and not beat around the bush and drag things out and not be redundant or long-winded.

— Captain Obvious (@CaptainObvious) October 9, 2016

It’s #NationalMadHatterDay but if you meet a girl named Alice who’s wandering around lost, alert the authorities.

— Captain Obvious (@CaptainObvious) October 6, 2016

If it’s not ready to wear, try tossing it in the dryer. Always works for me. #FashionWeek #ReadyToWear pic.twitter.com/Uw96F5RxWI

— Captain Obvious (@CaptainObvious) October 5, 2016

#NationalVodkaDay is soo greet.. Martinis is BEst Dr. Inks. Srsly. Her sa pic? pic.twitter.com/ahYyCOIFi9

— Captain Obvious (@CaptainObvious) October 4, 2016

Never trust a man in tights. #Oktoberfest pic.twitter.com/8UKPAzOP1Y

— Captain Obvious (@CaptainObvious) October 3, 2016

To all the veggies out there, you had a good run. #RIP #WorldVegetarianDay pic.twitter.com/kftsrgPpVa

— Captain Obvious (@CaptainObvious) October 1, 2016

Fireworks will be fired off all over America tonight. I guess tomorrow they'll be Fireworked. #IndependenceDay pic.twitter.com/uIx0V1V4f3

— Captain Obvious (@CaptainObvious) July 4, 2016

I film my reviews. Typing is so overrated… Except for Tweets. #UnroomingUS #UnroomingCA https://t.co/pqQO3RQSQ4 pic.twitter.com/rxQEfW75Dv

— Captain Obvious (@CaptainObvious) July 1, 2016